Ever since Sunday and proclaiming the truth that I do not deserve to have pain and suffering, I have been attacked. The lies that I do deserve that because I am so evil just lambasted me constantly. I was taught at a very young age of three that all I was made for was pain and destruction of my body. I perpetuated that lie for 26 years. There were moments were I did good things for myself and small moments of enjoying things, but mostly I spent my life shutting down and attacking my body in some form or fashion, i.e. cutting on myself, binge/purge eating, smoking, burning myself, etc. I spent a ton of energy keeping the craziness of the demons that I had welcomed into my life at a young age, my thoughts, and emotional pain under control. I remember several times telling people who had gotten close to me or writing that no one would ever be able to hurt me physically again as much as I could hurt myself. So, for the past six months, I have been trying to live into the life of play, enjoyment, excitement, pleasure, hope, freedom. I have had a bit of ups and downs and minor detachments, but it has been going well. So, being I was so severely attacked after voicing that I do not deserve to have pain. I wanted to proclaim some of the things that God has been showing me and proclaim that I was designed for good things and love, not pain and destruction.
My King, God, is enthralled with me and my beauty (Psalm 45:11). God’s love is better than life, better than anything that I can find anywhere else or in anyone else (Psalm 63:3). He desires that I be satisfied as with the richest of foods as I praise Him (Psalm 63:5). It is not common satisfaction, not just getting by; He wants me to be satisfied with glorious things, rich things, good things, to flourish as I cling to Him (Psalm 63:8). I am God’s bride, not alone, “for my Maker is my husband – the Lord Almighty is His name” (Isaiah 54:5). He has been continuously lavishing on good gifts. I was chosen by Him before the world was created not to be destroyed, but to become His adopted daughter (Ephesians 1:4-5). |
